the 3:30
numbingly bored today. Nothing to do at the office, I'm faintly looking forward to getting home and doing some painting, but just not feeling inspired in the least bit. Not in the mood to read. Don't feel like wasting time and watching TV, don't feel like going to a bar for a beer, not charismatic enough to call a friend. This might just still be my emotional hangover from the big week I had at squaw valley and san francisco, but I don't think that's it; this is what happens what I get sober for too long.
Now I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm serious. I get completely lazy and totally devoid of any sort of "drive" to do anything. Nothing seems to matter, and I don't feel like wasting time or energy on anything. This is how I wrote depressing blogs through my freshmen year and played insane ammounts of Diablo II while barely passing my classes, not making any friends, and not even channeling my discontent into any sort of constructive art work, while everyone around me was drinking and partying wildly. It was an awful year. If you want to know what a prohibition version of dan is like, maybe you don't remember
these old blogs. I've decided to meet Adam in the break room and make myself a cocktail that I'm not really in the mood for.
my head's going to explode.
I've updated my blog. See? my profile picture now reflects the filty wreck I've grown up to become, the title is no longer "hiroshima" (ah, so sad to see you go old friend!) and it's now dedicated to being my normal blog. Psh, normal? Let's hope not! The word I meant to use was regular.
I might have to retire my old blog, and just link it to here. I'm at work, doing nothing. I'm bored, and everyone's moving places and my friends are moving from japan, or back there, or whatever, and it's driving me crazy with these internal dialogues! Am I reverse-home-sick?
these internal dialogues: (stream of consciousness) ~~
I've got a life, yes, what am I waiting for? Should I be waiting for something? I feel like I'm waiting, but I mean to be looking. So I'm passively looking, how is that different than waiting? But the problem is I don't know what I'm looking FOR. Do I want a new job? Yes, but, not immediately. But why not immediately? I dunno, that just seems inconvenient. But if I'm in Reno why not keep this job? If I'm wanting a new job, does that mean i want to move? I don't know if I want to move, so I want a new job, or if I just want a new job, and that means moving. Basically, I am back in Reno, and everyone is practically married and I'm bored. I liked being the different guy everywhere I went. But I have some art commissions here, I could get more? I have a studio, and an easy job, and know everyone in reno, why do I want to move? Maybe I don't and I'm just "adjusting".
I should be saving money at this job though, I don't understand where all of it's going. I'm not really buying anything. Why on earth did I buy a NEW car? I feel like blaming someone for that, but how stupid would that be? It'll be smart in the long run, if I stay in the states, that is. I don't want a car, and don't want to live in a place that demands one. I want to take the subway, the train, the bike, the walk. Maybe a scooter, tops. Either way I feel like I'm wasting money, wasting time. I need to paint more, ride my bike more, eat less, or better anyways, buy cheaper beer, be more social, more confident, more personal, more relaxed. Those can be my immediate goals...Junk like that, rubbish huh? and the worst part is that my most recent little mental trap is circular. It doesn't seem to have a root or solution, no clear circumstances that bum me out and toss me in those ruts anyways. I mean, within just the past two weeks I've been on the net searching for apartments in Boston, signed up for job-post emails from Japan, tried to apply to the JET program, told danny to find me a job in the UK, considered asking my boss to transfer me to the office in the bay area, and I almost flipped out at John's suggestion we move to fricking ANTARCTICA. But, do I even want to move?? Why am I doing this to myself?? Ugh, now i feel silly for writing such a dumb post. Maybe I just need to stop reading Kerouac. No moral lesson today, kids!
