my head's going to explode.
I might have to retire my old blog, and just link it to here. I'm at work, doing nothing. I'm bored, and everyone's moving places and my friends are moving from japan, or back there, or whatever, and it's driving me crazy with these internal dialogues! Am I reverse-home-sick? these internal dialogues: (stream of consciousness) ~~ I've got a life, yes, what am I waiting for? Should I be waiting for something? I feel like I'm waiting, but I mean to be looking. So I'm passively looking, how is that different than waiting? But the problem is I don't know what I'm looking FOR. Do I want a new job? Yes, but, not immediately. But why not immediately? I dunno, that just seems inconvenient. But if I'm in Reno why not keep this job? If I'm wanting a new job, does that mean i want to move? I don't know if I want to move, so I want a new job, or if I just want a new job, and that means moving. Basically, I am back in Reno, and everyone is practically married and I'm bored. I liked being the different guy everywhere I went. But I have some art commissions here, I could get more? I have a studio, and an easy job, and know everyone in reno, why do I want to move? Maybe I don't and I'm just "adjusting".
I should be saving money at this job though, I don't understand where all of it's going. I'm not really buying anything. Why on earth did I buy a NEW car? I feel like blaming someone for that, but how stupid would that be? It'll be smart in the long run, if I stay in the states, that is. I don't want a car, and don't want to live in a place that demands one. I want to take the subway, the train, the bike, the walk. Maybe a scooter, tops. Either way I feel like I'm wasting money, wasting time. I need to paint more, ride my bike more, eat less, or better anyways, buy cheaper beer, be more social, more confident, more personal, more relaxed. Those can be my immediate goals...
Junk like that, rubbish huh? and the worst part is that my most recent little mental trap is circular. It doesn't seem to have a root or solution, no clear circumstances that bum me out and toss me in those ruts anyways. I mean, within just the past two weeks I've been on the net searching for apartments in Boston, signed up for job-post emails from Japan, tried to apply to the JET program, told danny to find me a job in the UK, considered asking my boss to transfer me to the office in the bay area, and I almost flipped out at John's suggestion we move to fricking ANTARCTICA. But, do I even want to move?? Why am I doing this to myself?? Ugh, now i feel silly for writing such a dumb post. Maybe I just need to stop reading Kerouac. No moral lesson today, kids!