Thursday, March 06, 2008

अ फीलिंग

why does this webpage keep automatically translating my blog titles into freaking draconic?
I was inclined to write a blog because I was inspired when I changed my facebook status. I'm totally, completely STUCK right now, and need to face it or completely disconnect with myself. In, basically, every aspect I can think of. work, money, social life, you name it. I've had this feeling lately, I'm not going to say for a matter of months, but for... a few months maybe. It's the feeling of generally increasing and unfocused discontent, and stagnation(maybe personal stagflation?). I don't have much of a social life, true, but that's not even it, I've finally figured. Also, whatever has been sort of bugging at me has come to a head-- here I am in kumano, japan; desperately, masochistically, and most important pointlessly following american politics, this is what made me realize it. I'm in the wrong place.
I am headed in to teach every day, though for me it's just marching to the wall of my finishing. I am the sort of person who figures, well, if I know I'm going to quit soon and go home, why stick around? Basically, I am wasting my time, and I pretty much have been for the past 6 months or more that I've known I am just done with teaching english. I've known this inside, but haven't really admitted it. I'm just... stuck here until april 20th.

Also, I'm stuck on this piece of art. Just sitting for hours and hours crunched over my laptop straining my eyes and back peering at this little screen trying to crank out art, that i'm not even succeeding at finishing. This has, generally, been my art process. I want to sit at a DESK. and work on a MONITOR. Agh, I'm excited to pick up an iMac when i get home... but until then I am stuck.

This one might be the most frustrating-- it's not something I talk about much, but that despite popular opinion, i AM interested in: girls. I managed to blow it with the only girls I met while I was here, but have met a couple promises, (of course) in the last month or so, but, I'm going home, so it's moot, fate's cruel joke. In fact, I sort of dread going out socially now, because i just KNOW I'll meet some super cute girl flirting with me and all i can think is "what if!" Like grabbing at smoke.

I wish, though, I could go out and enjoy this last month in japan. Hang out, visit restaurants, shoot the shit, go to bars, travel? But, I let my company stick me in this apartment, and stick it to me with their shit salary, and now I am stuck staying in and saving money.

So, here is what all of that ammounts to, psychologically, I think. It feels... emasculating. Just sitting around waiting day in and day out for your life to change. Also, it makes me depressed-- I'm still in a cool place, and I could be having fun, but instead I resent it. What's difficult about Japan is being totally alienated. You are alien by looks, culture, most importantly language. You have to get used to being around groups of people talking and laughing with each other while you stare at a wall. Now, it's not just the people, but my entire life here that is speaking a different language. I wake up, sit on the bus, plan classes, teach, go to the sushi-shop, and i feel alienated from my own life (which was once very fun) for all of the reasons listed above.

Basically, this feeling which has no outlet boiled up when one think I was waiting for hit another wall, when my man Obama didn't finish off the ice queen and the headlines pop up "long, grueling 7 weeks ahead." It's like... "YEAH, I KNOW. THANKS"


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