3 p.m. Soon the sun will drop (Well, not TOO soon, but, you know. Soon enough.) The more I deconstruct my apartment, the more complicated it becomes. Yesterday, I was pretty depressed about it-- not the complication, but the moving. You understand? You walk open a closet with all the stuff that marks you living here, and just shitcan everything. Toilet paper -- trash. detergent-- trash. cups, bowls, pans, pots --trash. razors, shaving cream, soap, -- trash. Then, by today, that became very liberating. Now I just CANNOT get rid of this last 5% of stuff, i don't know what the heck to do. I just want to burn it all or something. Plagued by a lot of loose ends right now, like books i can't fit, cases for my video games, CD cases. someone save me! a bundle of business shirts. I feel like I am obliged to keep them, you know, since i BOUGHT them, but.. i don't want them, and I've already thrown away plenty of stuff i still do kind of want. Yesterday was the worst for this, it's like some messed up psychiatric test -- "what does this person decide dictates his identity/future? uh oh... he kept his flask and 300 page 5 lb. video game manual, but threw away a .0001 ounce drawing of him done by a student? tsk tsk..." Sorting through messages from kids, photos, every piee of paper or what have you from 2 1/2 years and having to decide "keep or trash?" cool stuff with japanese on it, but that's ultimately trash, you just become more and more efficient at feeding the dumpster, and that's where I'm at now. Just hoping for a fire to come through, because i don't even want ANY of this anymore!! Well, I'd be mentally,(if also monetarily) relieved if the freakin post office was open today, but those lazy bastards are closed. So, still got the weight on my shoulders. Just a little longer. When I can pack up this computer (the last thing) and toss it in my suitcase and mail the whole thing home (for like 300 bucks, definately)... then i will be a free man.
here's a couple vids that are keepin me chill~~ relish this guy's timeless coolness
well, tomorrow's my last day. I've got some pics up, and heres a video of the kids singing the japanese anthem before graduation ceremony. (i've been meaning to film it for awhile, it's a pretty moving national anthem in how it's melancholy rather than.. you know, triumphant? ) hm, i'll post more on here soon. of course. Check my flickr page, though!
so i looked at the top of my head with a couple mirrors, and my suspicions are true: i'm definately going bald. All around the top. It sucks because neither of my grandpas are bald, but i am hanging onto a few hopes:
1. I've been using shampoo from the dollar store for a year. I've discontinued as of today, and lets see if it stops or reverses.
2. Maybe I've been this thin for awhile and never noticed. From looking straight in the mirror i still can't tell. So maybe I've flatlined for awhile. This is suitable to me.
3. Maybe once my diet changes when i get back home, things will turn around. I definately get less protein here, but on the other hand my diet is overall more healthy i'd guess, so I don't like this option much, but we'll see how things pan out.
One thing is certain; if my future holds baldness, then I cannot pass up these few remaining years to liberate myself and the people around me by wearing long, badass rockstar, anime character, fantasy hero hair.
I've also decided that Kevin Costner, in "Dances with Wolves", is incredibly sweet. I think the civil war union uniform fashion is going to make a huge comeback somehow, they have tons of rad hats, and the cool sash with the sword and pistol tied over, cool jackets with total lord of the rings boots and gloves. (until he turns into a hippie at the end)
thanks for reading my 2nd most shallow post to date, and pray for my head.
why does this webpage keep automatically translating my blog titles into freaking draconic? I was inclined to write a blog because I was inspired when I changed my facebook status. I'm totally, completely STUCK right now, and need to face it or completely disconnect with myself. In, basically, every aspect I can think of. work, money, social life, you name it. I've had this feeling lately, I'm not going to say for a matter of months, but for... a few months maybe. It's the feeling of generally increasing and unfocused discontent, and stagnation(maybe personal stagflation?). I don't have much of a social life, true, but that's not even it, I've finally figured. Also, whatever has been sort of bugging at me has come to a head-- here I am in kumano, japan; desperately, masochistically, and most important pointlessly following american politics, this is what made me realize it. I'm in the wrong place. I am headed in to teach every day, though for me it's just marching to the wall of my finishing. I am the sort of person who figures, well, if I know I'm going to quit soon and go home, why stick around? Basically, I am wasting my time, and I pretty much have been for the past 6 months or more that I've known I am just done with teaching english. I've known this inside, but haven't really admitted it. I'm just... stuck here until april 20th.
Also, I'm stuck on this piece of art. Just sitting for hours and hours crunched over my laptop straining my eyes and back peering at this little screen trying to crank out art, that i'm not even succeeding at finishing. This has, generally, been my art process. I want to sit at a DESK. and work on a MONITOR. Agh, I'm excited to pick up an iMac when i get home... but until then I am stuck.
This one might be the most frustrating-- it's not something I talk about much, but that despite popular opinion, i AM interested in: girls. I managed to blow it with the only girls I met while I was here, but have met a couple promises, (of course) in the last month or so, but, I'm going home, so it's moot, fate's cruel joke. In fact, I sort of dread going out socially now, because i just KNOW I'll meet some super cute girl flirting with me and all i can think is "what if!" Like grabbing at smoke.
I wish, though, I could go out and enjoy this last month in japan. Hang out, visit restaurants, shoot the shit, go to bars, travel? But, I let my company stick me in this apartment, and stick it to me with their shit salary, and now I am stuck staying in and saving money.
So, here is what all of that ammounts to, psychologically, I think. It feels... emasculating. Just sitting around waiting day in and day out for your life to change. Also, it makes me depressed-- I'm still in a cool place, and I could be having fun, but instead I resent it. What's difficult about Japan is being totally alienated. You are alien by looks, culture, most importantly language. You have to get used to being around groups of people talking and laughing with each other while you stare at a wall. Now, it's not just the people, but my entire life here that is speaking a different language. I wake up, sit on the bus, plan classes, teach, go to the sushi-shop, and i feel alienated from my own life (which was once very fun) for all of the reasons listed above.
Basically, this feeling which has no outlet boiled up when one think I was waiting for hit another wall, when my man Obama didn't finish off the ice queen and the headlines pop up "long, grueling 7 weeks ahead." It's like... "YEAH, I KNOW. THANKS"
his is a pretty negative post, but lets face it. She's polarizing.
I am so thoroughly disappointed and depressed about the primary results, or, specifically and unfairly, the residents of ohio and texas~ why didn't you all just vote for obama and get this over with?? I've been anxiously following these elections, and increasingly disgusted by the mud throwing that the clintons keep starting. "Lets smear the person who shows very obvious signs of being our party's nominee!! Quick, dig up/make up something negative sounding, because it'll help us in the short run!" Now a long, grueling, 7 weeks of it? Ugh...
Whether you like clinton, obama, or neither, I feel like we're living in a monarchy in civil war in this country. The halo "red vs. blue" thing hits a little too close to home. I'm only 25, and 20 years of that has been all bushes and clintons. potentially 8 more? Then maybe jeb bush will run? Clinton avidly hates and wants to "battle" the republicans -- it's the epitome of why so many people hate politics, and therefore choose dis-interest. Maybe that's the goal here -- "if everyone hates us enough, they'll stop caring, then we can do whatever the hell we want." It seems to have worked the last 8 years? Anyways, it didn't work for democrats in 2004, when they only way to rally behind john kerry was under the slogan "fuck bush". I mean, sorry if i couldn't take that seriously. The thing is, republicans hate the clintons enough that we will see the same slogans i think, except this time it'll probably work.
looking in my crystal ball here is what i see -- we have 7 weeks, and all policy has been debated, 20 times actually, so clinton gets especially nasty here on out. More fear spread, etc... and of course obama attacks back, while the republicans can continue to watch and take notes. After a crippled, extended, negative campaign, half the democratic party is angry with the outcome, most have stopped caring and don't vote, but definately don't campaign in november, and the winner has been discredited enough that mccain mops up. Ugh, i mean, why on earth would clinton run that "3 a.m." commercial, preparing to run against a man with like 50 years of war experience? Yeah, let's focus more on the idea of everyone on the globe trying to kill us, and running around invading more countries.
I'm sick of feeling this way about my country. I wish I could afford some whiskey.
